When RD got this offer to work for a few years in Tasmania, one of the things which we agreed as a couple was that we accompany him. As parents to girls who were 7.5 years and 1.25 years, we did believe they needed to grow up with their father and I agreed to quit my job.
When I was in Bombay, to be honest, I was elated. After 12 years of working non stop without a break, the whole idea of not working appealed me so much, that I put down my papers in my company without a further thought. I thought maybe Icould study further (something I always wanted to do) or just be at home with my girls.
Then we came here and took some time settling in. After a couple of months, I confess, I realised, I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I miss my pay cheque the most. The fact that there is no constant money into the family from my end started making me this really horrible, nasty and negative person.
RD tried everything to make me realise that my contributions were more than what I kept undermining.
I also realised that for me being financially independent was more important than anything else. Its just the way I am. Unfortunately, no matter what I do, I cant change myself.
The industry where I worked for so many years,practically does not exist in Tasmania. Which means getting a job is a big deal. I dont qualify in some jobs since I havent stayed in Aus for long enough. In short, for me to get a job is a challenge. Also since we came down to one salary, with a home loan and stuff back in India, I realised having a second salary would just make things easier.
By the third month, I fell into some kind of a depression. Thats when the blog went private. I thought I wasnt working so I wont have anything to write about (Thats so stupid really!) I was jealous of folks changing jobs and talking about increments.
My mom, dad, RD and even R, kept telling me it really does not matter and I should take a break. Added the fact that daycares are super expensive here, keeping R2 in daycare would mean I needed a certain salary which covered the daycare costs to say the least.
I tried looking for online options, but to be honest, I was not very successful.
Studying further was also not a very good option because I am still counted as an international student and the uni fees are pretty exorbitant. Also with R2 around full time, studying is tough!
Then one fine day, when I realised that this negativity was taking me, no where and all I was doing is making life miserable for my loved ones, I decided that its okay. We got this opportunity to live in a beautiful place and let us make the most of it.
Does that mean I am happy not having a job? The answer, truthfully, is no. I would still love to have a job. But does this mean that I am willing to take one day at a time and enjoy it? The answer is yes.
I spoke to a few close blogger friends (you all know who you are :)) and they gave me such sane advice. I cant thank God enough for giving me a set of virtual friends who make me feel so positive in life.
On a side note, the kind of emails, messages and love that have poured in when I reopened this blog, has been so overwhelming that I get choked up just reading and realising that I am loved by so many (Okay that was super emotional but honestly this love makes me so much more positive)
I have decided to keep trying for a job. The day I get it, I will be shouting over the rooftops. But until I get it, I am going to enjoy life. See R2 remove the patrams from the shelf and plonk herself inside tha shelf. See R snuggle next to the fire on the couch and giggle to herself while reading Malory Towers. Cook like there is no tomorrow and make the spouse my favorite taster. Look at little things in life which make it so much more wonderful 🙂
I will get a job eventually. I am sure. Some things I realised that
1. I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Thats the way I am.
2. Being positive brings happiness. Being negative just makes things worse for everyone.
3. Staying with a toddler full time is a very very very difficult job.
So till I get a job, I just relax, play, cook and learn to light the fireplace 🙂