To Argue Or Not???

I read this in the Sunday edition of Times of India the other day.

Arguing in front of children?

I have never seen my parents fight. I swear. Its funny, but both bro and I can swear that our parents never really argued or fought in front of us. Yes, Amma would tell Appa to keep his bag at the right place or not throw his books around, but it was the same way she would tell us. I have never ever seen my father raise his voice against my mother. Never.

And he has never shouted at her AT ALL. Ever. I am not sure if they had fights when bro and I were not around, but in front of us, never. They both consulted each other for EVERY decision and they both came to a consensus without a fight!

They can read each other’s thoughts and if Amma asks Appa for something, he does it immediately, or at least responds to her that it will be done and does it eventually. When Appa asks Amma for something, same thing, it will be done.

My parents are, what a lot of people call, the epitome of the perfect marriage. Even today, each can complete the other person’s thoughts and sentences. So this is how I have been brought up, where the spouse never fights, never argues and they always find a middle path.

When I got married to RD, unfortunately, thats what I expected. That I could shout at him for something, and he would just do it, respond immediately, not shout back. But much to my dismay, he argued back. I was shocked! to the core. Thats not right, how could I get married to such a guy. He argues with me! It happened again and again, until I couldnt take it anymore and confessed to my mom that this guy argues with me and we have proper fights. Amma told me over the phone that its normal in a marriage to have arguments and fights, as long as they dont get physical and you fight with each other with respect. I was a bit hopeful after I spoke to her, but still couldnt believe that people in marriages can fight.

Until, I slowly started realising that it happens in most marriages. People argue, people fight, and people reconcile. Its normal. What my parents have is something thats different (abnormal??) IT happened with my cousins, friends, RD’s friends, everyone. I realised that I had been brought up in an Utopian world! and I realised it pretty nice after an argument, because you have taken out your ‘dil ki bhadash‘ and are feeling nice after it. And till date, most arguments with RD end in a sorry from both our ends and we then find the middle path. Of course, we do have our skirmishes as RD calls them, but they have come down a bit.

About arguing in front of the kid – I think, as long as its done with respect for each other, and only the issue is discussed (and not what your mama ka step son’s ka wife ka brother told me!) its totally fine. From personal experience, RD and I do argue in front of R, with fights ranging from you didnt dry the clothes in the machine, to why do you have to always keep the switch on? From, cant you even remember to pay that bill to who asked you to keep the milk into the fridge, it was supposed to be curd!! and stuff like that. I dont want R to get into a shock, like I did at the start of my marriage. I want her to understand that there is a way to argue, as long as you dont play dirty.

My parents didnt do us any harm by not arguing you know, its just that bro and I lived in a different world until reality sucked us in after marriage πŸ™‚

Your views?

 

Cross posted on IMC

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About R's Mom

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31 Responses to To Argue Or Not???

  1. Pingback: To Argue Or Not??? | Indian Moms Connect

  2. The Bride says:

    We argue a lot in front of the kids, and I wish we didn’t. I can see them get a confused, slightly upset look. I think it’s impossible, except in the case of your parents, to not argue at all, but I would ideally want to avoid the really upset ranty fights in front of the kids. Alas, my mouth doesn’t agree.

    • R's Mom says:

      I guess, RD and I dont really get into ‘fights’ in front of R. Till date, I havent seen R getting too affected by our ‘fights’. And most times she just tells us to keep quiet and be good πŸ™‚

      I try and avoid arguments but like you, my mouth doesnt agree either!

  3. Shweta says:

    I agree when you say that as long as the fight doesn’t get nasty, it really is normal in marriages, or for that matter in any relationship! In fact, I and Mr. Husband have found ourselves to be overtly sweet after a tiff!! πŸ˜›

    Arguments happen, it is entirely on us how do we resolve the differences and move on!

  4. telugumom says:

    I think it is okay to argue in front of the kids as long as the arguments are about every day little things. Kids should know how to argue properly. When we have arguments, kids see and learn that we do not win every time. There are times when we come to a middle ground. This in itself is a big life lesson in my opinion.

    It’s amazing to know that your parents never argued!

  5. momofrs says:

    Arguing in front of children is healthy when the arguments are balanced from both the arguing parties. If the children see one parent doing all the yelling and the other subdued and meek, it will effect the way they look at their parents.
    When me and the BF have an argument at home and we find the kids observing us, we usually drag them into deciding who is wrong and who is right. They usually give a us a big lecture on why we must behave like ‘adults’ and ‘not fight’ πŸ˜€ .
    Serious issues which may cause us to raise our voices are always held in the absence of the kids or we just lock the door from inside while we fight it out. But the minute kids enter, we switch back to normal mode. Don’t ask how we do it, it just happens πŸ™‚

    • R's Mom says:

      I think RD and I are pretty much like you and BF. …any fight getting out of hand, shut up, and fight after the kids are asleep. but switch back to normal mode, thats never possible for us :):)

      LOL on the kids giving you lectures :):)

  6. ashreyamom says:

    my parents argued in front of us. it always turned into joke later, when dad would make it sound funny. like incase if dad keeps the milk in the fridge which is supposed to be curd and mom shouts. he would simple say, i tried to help you, and that is the reason i dont help you often. :). i remember there was one phase in my life, where my parents really fought. i just went to them and asked them not to fight in front of me. after that day, i never saw them even raising their voice against each other.

  7. summerscript says:

    “you fight with each other with respect” – Loved what your amma said RM .
    Respect is the key. Even now if two people close to me fight with each other in front of me, I would be the first one to go all tensed and start crying.
    It affects children when parents fight and fighting in front of them or not I think they kinda figure out if something is wrong.
    As long as we know that the argument is going “healthy” – I think we (as a family) are OK.

  8. Great post, as usual, RM! You know this topic is so close to my heart, don’t you?! πŸ™‚

    My thought is simple – It is okay to fight once in a while, but not always. It is better to avoid fighting in front of the kids. They are at such an impressionable age and it is normal for them to take cues from our fights, which most of the times, even we are unaware of. I learnt this lesson the hard way. And so now, I (not we ‘cos the husband is more like your dad!) time all the fighting after the kids sleep! πŸ˜€

    • R's Mom says:

      oh yes, we dont fight always da…I totally agree on that…I am talking about one off arguments occasionally!

      I guess, you are right about the impressionable age…..RD and I take on major fights after R goes to sleep πŸ˜‰

  9. Arch says:

    I beg to differ with you in this aspect! I think healthy discussions and difference of opinion is allowed and can be discussed in front of kids, but they shouldn’t be a witness to the fights! I have been a victim of it and it has affected me. Though we think kids are innocent and tend to forget things quickly, they have have their own thought process and such fights leave a mark.

    I have been a witness to huge fights between my parents many a times and it used to affect me real bad! So much that my grades fell in school and I used to feel depressed. As we grow up we learn to deal with it in a better manner, but as kids we feel helpless. For a long time, I really hated the concept of marriage thinking couples just fight after marriage, what’s the whole point!!

    • R's Mom says:

      Ah well,I hope I conveyed the definition of ‘fights’ to you…personally, between RD and I its skirmishes (thats RD’s words!) WE dont get into the blame game or name throwing, but R does realise that I am bugged at RD or vice versa…

      Yesterday, I shouted at RD for something silly, and she says ‘yayayay Amma ne Appa ko gussa kiya’ or something in those lines, or sometimes she takes sides..

      I am definitely not talking about fights with hurt emotionally or physically..these are fights to let off steam there and then πŸ™‚

      But having said that,

      I think my Amma agrees to you totally..she tells us NEVER to fight in front of R! Which I find a bit difficult…..After reading your comment, I will certainly be more careful that I dont cross the line anywhere..hugs and thanks

  10. Nidaa says:

    Whoa! Dont we have similar parents. My parents are just the same (though papa take care to avoid mum when shes PMSing). 35th wedding anniversary this month. What surprises me (even now) is the way they still have plenty to talk aboutto each other. But I have seen other equally lovey-dovey couples fight like cats and make up just like that… Is this what fighting with respect all about? Confusing relationships.

  11. Ashwathy says:

    Your ‘fights’ are not really fights per se. Just some arguments back n forth, which eventually gets resolved nicely with a middle path.
    Kids should NEVER see their parents really fight. It is traumatic and prolonged observation of the same does NOT lead to pleasant memories. Or worse. Ask me, I’d know.

    But right now, you seem to be on the right track.
    Except that…. hmm… ok let me not say that on the blog. It’s a personal thing. Remind me and I’ll msg you ok? Just a lil opinion from my end πŸ™‚

  12. paatiamma says:

    I must be resonating most of the other comments here as well RM..That your fights are only lil arguments back and forth..Your story seems so much like my Moms..Mom Dad used to argue a lot of silly stuff before me when I was a kid and invariably I used to take Dad’s side..(very biased). One birthday of mine they were quibbling on some random thing that I said “STOP” .Nothing earth shattering I had commented on lil arguments after that..Though they do have lot of difference of opinion till date I had not seen a very big fight.

  13. I have seen bad fights between my parents. I am realizing i am as short tempered as my mom, and ah well, that is not pleasant. Even arguments make me upset. Now I yell back and somehow end up picking sides. I get caught in-between small things. Please dont let that happen. 😦
    Even if it is a small argument, and you cry, R ‘might’ think that her dad is making you cry. We dont ever want her to think that, do we?

  14. I have never seen my parents fighting in front of me as a kid, either!

    I think it is okay to argue a bit in front of your kids, once in a while. I don’t think it is okay to put them to nasty fights and physical violence or frequent fights, though. As long as the fighting is done in a healthy and respectful manner, infrequently, it is okay. It should teach kids what real life is all about, I guess.

  15. Amit says:

    As long as your arguments are civilized and make sense, I think it is all right.

  16. Scribby says:

    me thinks arguing is pretty normal,in front of kids I mean… like you said, not arguing at all might create a different picture of a married couple for them… but that said, doesn’t mean to make the marriage really normal we need to consciously fight / argue πŸ™‚

    It happens naturally between me and Husby, given that we are poles apart in everything that is life, we tend to have different opinions.. and we tend to argue, sometimes stretch the argument… there are times Chirpy is around, but somewhere on our own we realize we are kind of stretching it bit too much and catching Chirpy’s attention.. so we drop it and move ahead… so I guess that’s where to draw the line… arguing is okay in front of kids in a civilized manner πŸ™‚

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