Jo Tera Hai Woh Mera, Jo Mera Hai Woh Tera – Blogging Marathon Post 10

Pepper as brilliant as ever wrote this absolutely thought provoking post on understanding the dynamics of a couple…and LF took it a level higher by giving examples in this post

Here is what I said on Pepper’s post

Sigh! I have tons to say Pepper, I should just make a post eh?

But, I actually agree with you on most points…but again, I would say, I am one of those types who believes in financial terms of me earning my own money..

wait, let me just do a post some day theek hai?
and here is what Pepper said

No, RM. You missed the point. Ofcourse, we all do believe in being financially independent and earning our own money. Why would anybody not believe in that? The point is – we have a choice right now. So this is not about your preferences. Consider another situation. You not being able to earn money for some reason. Perhaps you are sick for a year. Or you move to a place where you can’t work. Or a family member needs looking after. If you don’t have a choice but to give up your job for one of those reasons, would you hesitate to take money from RD? Would you rather live on your own personal savings? After that, what?

Similarly, if RD has to give up his job for some reason, would you think twice before supporting him financially? Would you give him the same freedom as you have to make decisions related to finances?

Now that both of you do have an income, how calculative are you in terms of who spends how much? Or do you feel comfortable with the idea of merging your funds and spending together?

This is really not about your belief in financial independence. This is more about the relationship you share with your partner. If you do a post, I would love to hear you address the questions I asked, instead of simply advocating financial independence.

So Pepper,

 I must admit, as I write this post, I have conflicting views in my mind…

I am a firm believer in financial independence…I believe every person must earn money, or make an effort to earn money, unless circumstances force you other wise.

But, I also believe that once you enter a marriage, its about ‘US’ than you and me. So if both the spouses are working, wouldnt it be better to have ‘US’ money than yours and my money. RD and I work pretty much like Pepper-Mint and LF-R..we just park our money into a joint account and then withdraw the needful.

Also, any major spending is discussed before buying…if we want to book tickets for parents, if we want to take a trip, if RD wants to buy a phone (he wants  new ones all the time eh;) ), if I want to renew my library account..everything is discussed and agreed…there have been very rare times we have disagreed..and in that case, we just let it be…and then RD will sneakily bring up the topic when I am in a good benevolent mood and I have to agree to him..between the two of us, he is more generous and I am the stingy one…I always say no to buying anything..what? just saying for the records..

But, imagine if I wasnt earning…or lets say, I take a break from work. Will RD and I continue to have the same relationship..will we discuss between us what needs to be bought…I firmly believe, yes.

Because thats how a marriage works. Its all about discussing, deciding, arguing and then agreeing to disagree. Because while I may earn only half of RD, I still beleive I am an equal partner in the marriage. Once you commit to a marriage, it means you commit fully. You then, dont think of ‘I’ you think like ‘US’

Yes, there will be times when you want something and your partner disagrees..but in that case, its better to just park it aside for a while and think about getting it later.

Like Pepper asked me, tomorrow if I had to stop working for some reason, will I feel equal in the relationship? I will and actually I should! because at the end of the day, isnt that what marriage is all about? I think whether the spouse is working or non-working, it doesnt really matter, at the end of the day, its all about ‘US’

OR lets say RD stops working? does that mean he doesnt get his phone (Errr..he still doesnt get it, but thats not the point!) no, it means that we still discuss whether buying that phone is important or not! and if it is, he should definitely go ahead and buy it.

Having said all this, Pepper, can I please also add that ‘ I firmly believe in financial independence’ :):)

Hope this answers your questions Pepper 🙂

and oh oh, thank you for this, because I could write another post for the marathon

and oh RD, this doesnt mean you get that phone eh? we are still in discussion mode okie?

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52 Responses to Jo Tera Hai Woh Mera, Jo Mera Hai Woh Tera – Blogging Marathon Post 10

  1. Amit says:

    I will give you my example. Geet and I have our salary accounts and then a joint account. Now we do put some money in our joint account once in a while but our major spendings are done from our salary accounts. Debit card comes out depending on the situation and what we are buying but yes, there is always a discussion. I can buy a book without telling her but not a phone. We have never discussed the fine line but it is understood.
    After I took the home loan it is more of Geet supporting me than the other way round. She takes me to movies and puts burgers in my mouth and buys me clothes with her money. Now that would not have been possible without financial independence. If she ever leaves her job because of some reasons, it goes without saying that she will have equal right over whatever I earn.

    • R's Mom says:

      I guess, we do have some money in our salary account, but we dont keep too much in it 🙂

      Hey, to each his/her own, this was just my view point 🙂

      LOL on feeding you burgers..kitne burgers khate ho?

    • Smita says:

      Amit this is exactly the same model that we follow (err not the burger part though ;-))!
      I buys books but never tell him he buys stuff from internet and tells me after it lands at home but these are small stuffs…for big things we decide mutually…and RM like you I too wud insist I love my Financial dependence and if 2moro I am not working I won’t become unequal partner but I won’t feel comfy for sure!

      • R's Mom says:

        Well thats what Smita, Pepper is talking about…if you dont earn, would you be unequal – no?

        But if you dont earn, will you be comfortable? – yes…guess thats more to do because you have been earning all your life and suddenly you stopped…I dont think it would be because your husband would make you feel inferior right?

        • Smita says:

          The answer to Peppers question lies in a simple fact…..It depends on what kind of person u n ur partner are. There are ppl who do not earn and they are totally happy to be dependent on their hubby’s but then their partners are such that they ask for pai pai ka hisaab…now then this person wud want to be financially independent…nahin?

  2. Prachi says:

    Thank you so much RM..!!!
    this post was an eye opener for me…
    Managing Finance is indeed a very complicated subject in any relationship…and if you are in a joint family, it further adds to the complication..!!!
    Thanks in advance (more from my DH) If my plan works…!!!

  3. RM, Thanks for this post, and now can you approve RD’s phone please?

  4. meenamenon says:

    LF did a post on this yest na! My view is v similar to urs.. as ladies we betta hv our fnancial freedom simply cause we cant let anybody decide on our soending powers!

    • R's Mom says:

      yes, I have linked her post in

    • Pepper says:

      This is exactly what I was talking about. This belief of not having the freedom and living with inadequate spending powers if you are not earning. Needless to say, I disagree with these views, very strongly.

      I agree, most women feel threatened by a lack of income because their relationships are built that way, but I feel sorry for them. And just because these couples exist, does not mean they are the right example.

      If you think your spending is going to be restricted only because you don’t have an income of your own, I strongly suggest not getting into such a relationship. Because there maybe a time when you may be forced to stay away from the workforce, for lack of choice.

      Similarly, giving yourself complete freedom over ‘your own’ money despite being tied to a partner doesn’t sound like a great arrangement to me either. But then, each to his own.

  5. Swaram says:

    For one who had a job in hand before evening finishing with her college and always wanted to earn her own money :P, I have come a long way in taking a decision to put a full-stop to earning my ‘own’ money 🙂 I still have the same freedom when I want to buy things, we still discuss when we want to do major investments and most of the times, it is more Su who asks me to take a call saying that I am better off at taking such decisions 😛 I don’t feel any different from what it was when I was actually bringing in the same kind of corporate money. Am glad it is as simple and am sure it will just be that in any case, even if I decide to get back to working some day.

  6. DI says:

    I already wrote my views on Pepper’s post, did you read? Did you? So while I am all about “US” for everything, I love contributing financially to our life, our luxuries and plans! 🙂
    Also, we don’t ahve ajoint account but I think The Dude pays for everything from his, and I keep the monies for savings. I do spend more on shopping than him but then he has this bit he invests in stocks, I keep telling him the losses tally me out 😉
    But yes, there are discussions on what to buy for everything, including clothes sometimes! 🙂

  7. Pepper says:

    Thanks RM, for responding to my questions in your post.

    I still don’t know my views on ‘financial independence’. I will take a page from DI’s comment on my blog. I agree with her completely.Today, if I want to keep working, it is so that it helps in providing ‘us’ a better lifestyle. And because it gives us a safety net. Not because I want ‘my own’ money. Not because I crave independence.

    Mint and I are dependent on each other in many different ways. We count on each other for emotional support, intellectual stimulation, physical presence and warmth, handling chores, maintaining a livable home, etc. We include finances in this big bracket. We have no calms in admitting our dependence on each other. Because we can’t really be independent from each other. I do realise that most couples think differently, and that is okay.

    It is very hard to quantify the non physical aspects in a relationship, which is why a lot of things that a partner does remain unaccounted for. Only finances are measured and given credit to. That is where the inequality creeps in. I have a problem with a non earning partner being made to feel less of a contributor. Sadly, I don’t see that mindset changing.

    • R's Mom says:

      Darn! you could do a PhD in relationships..

      okie here is how I look at it

      1. DI’s comment made a lot of sense to me..its independent financial security which is important for us as a famiily
      2. Even if one of the spouse leaves the job, it doesnt affect the balance/equality between the couple and like you say money is the only measurable quantity here…the emotional part is immesurable
      3. If one earns for ‘oneself’ then it would be difficult to be equal in a relationship
      4. Pepper is profoundly mature for her age 🙂

  8. garima says:

    In my case all expenses my hubby takes care off. Our salary accounts are different and he wants me to save every penny of what I earn so that god forbid if tomorrow there is any casualty that saved money can be used. Also to buy a house, bringing up the child etc. needs money which is when we plan to use my earnings. It is not about his or my money it is just about saving one person’s salary be it his or mine.
    Though I am free to buy whatever I want but still I prefer to shop with hubby using the credit card for which he pays the bill.
    There is nothing like husband’s money or wife’s money, it’s the mutual understanding between the two, as to how they want to save/spend their money.
    Accha abhi jayda kuch write nahi kar pa rahi,above lines mein bhi kya likha hai pata nahi…sach boloon to pura post padha bhi nahi,don’t spank me plzz. Mind abhi thoughts se pre-occupied hai 😉

  9. I thought there are Two people in a marriage or living together.. and how does it matter if one earns more or one less ..

    I am sorry to bring this up and it is rude.. I only have one experience or example of where a lady is earning more than the man (he is my very good friend, you can say best friend in uk).. and the amount of times she has actually mentioned that she earns more than him , has now become embarassing so much so that i have not visited their house for at least 8-9 months now ..

    If a couple living together are happy then how does it matter who earns what or who contributes what .. I think most of the time its the outsiders who have a thing to say about this.. then again I beleive that what others say should be none of our problem ..

    my mum never worked but on every first of the month , dad use to bring his salary and hand it over to her all of it .. and then when he needed he would ask for it from her..

  10. anisnest says:

    I have loads to say on this topic but don’t know how to say RM.. words get struck or its the unknown fear.. According to me whether “financial independence” is needed or not is decided by the companionship between the partners.. If both hold same values when it comes to agreeing to disagree and has same perception/wavelength in common things then all this doesn’t matter..

    IMO, the thought about “Independence” arises only when one tries to conquer the other’s core values and doesn’t treat their partner equally…

    • R's Mom says:

      IMO, the thought about “Independence” arises only when one tries to conquer the other’s core values and doesn’t treat their partner equally…

      – I think thats true

  11. rohini26 says:

    I stopped working and earning. But I have no qualms about not being financially independent for the moment. It’s not like an freeloading.

  12. Lovely post/s. Made me think quite a bit. 🙂
    I think the kind of financial arrangement that a couple is comfortable with depends largely on the couple themselves, and the dynamics that they share. There is no cut-and-dried fixed solution that will work for every couple. I love the way you and Pepper operate in financial matters, though. 🙂

  13. Sumana says:

    Like Garima says above, we have the same policy as well. But when it comes to school fees and vacations i try & take care of it. But to each his own i think. Bottomline is the I ego should not surface between the couple whatever the situation may be. This is one topic where we can keep discussing. Like i have a friend whose inlaws control the money and that is where it irks me to the core.

  14. Sreetama says:

    A very thought provoking post. I read Pepper’s post too. I actually wonder about the different dynamics couples follow. At my home, my mom is a homemaker, but she has equal say in the family expenses. My father never questions her spending and she too loves this liberty. They do discuss about making big investments but don’t ask about buying personal stuffs etc. or stuffs they buy for me. I’m still wondering whether I’ll have a joint a/c with my future hubby or run on separate salary a/cs…

    • R's Mom says:

      At the end of the day, it depends on the relation ship between the spouses…I think after reading all the comments, I have come to that conclusion 🙂

  15. hitchy says:

    I guess its each to their own…

    I live in a joint family… where in me and my bro and mom contribute to the household needs… then each one takes care of their own needs. as far as me and my wife are concerned I asked her to save her salaries, I made her do an SIP of almost her entire salary… actually the same also happens with my bro’s wife where her entire earnings are put in SIP’s.

    We do withdraw it from time to time for our vacations etc… or events like buying things… we both have joint finances in many ways yet… she earns and I earn… its just that I manage monies of so many clients that I manage her money too 😛 😛

    Secondly we both discuss almost everything we buy… Mostly she somehow manages to sneak and save money and gift me.. most of my clothes are bought by her.. I loathe shopping and only buy when I have nothing to wear…. I would rather spend in a camera and travelling she will always say yes… and then we reach a rationale point.. 🙂

    She loves shopping and yet I have seen she always has managed and never reached a situation where I have to tell her to stop… in our own undetermined, undecided way we make through…

    I guess at any point if she feels stifled she knows she has enough money in her mutual fund accounts to withdraw… but so far the stage has not come…

    However I have nothing against those who think their finances must be separate… like I said each to their own.. 🙂

    • R's Mom says:

      oh I loved your response Hitchy..especially since you live in a joint makes so much sense to do what you guys are doing..but hey! you are a financial I shouldnt be surprised eh?

  16. Smita T says:

    Hey… I agree with you… I am too all for financial independence… but i had to leave my job for the kiddo… the first month end after the resignation was really bad… no money being added to the account…. but then we decided to have rent being transferred to my account, so that I dont have keep on asking for money from hubby, since i hate to do that…. we make sure that we have enough money iin the account I have access to…. Its also about the hubby’s attitude towards ur not earning… if he keeps on saying that you are a kept woman… then its a serous problem…

    • R's Mom says:

      Its also about the hubby’s attitude towards ur not earning… if he keeps on saying that you are a kept woman… then its a serous problem – I agree..totally agree!

  17. Like others have said before, one size does not fit all. It all depends on the dynamics between the couple, some think of it as”us” money some is ultimately in the mind what one considers financial independence .it is very subjective…

  18. Pingback: Money matters « for whom the bell tolls

  19. Ashwathy says:

    I have exhausted myself replying on Pepper’s post. Please read that. It includes everything 😛

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