When I Called Up My Mother and Cried

Please skip this post. Its basically something that I want to get out of my system. It seems pretty childish but I feel its better I type it out at 10.30 in the night and may be I can get some sleep.

Today I cried. I called up my Amma and I cried. I cried because I was upset. I cried like crazy and today I realised that parenting is not easy at all. Forget the sleepless nights and oh the feeding…some decisions taken can hurt so much that I felt horrible.

We got a note from R’s school some days ago about R’s school taking them to picnic. They had not clearly stated whether parents have to accompany the kids and it was left as a choice to the parents. Either you can send your kid or one parent can accompany them.

I was not very keen about sending her because somehow I thought that if a school cant give clarity on whether parents should attend or not, it didnt make sense. and then if some parents attend and some parents dont, isnt it wrong on the children of the parents who dont attend? Well my personal thoughts. RD was pretty neutral to it and told me if you want to go, go ahead.

While I was still contemplating it, I called up R’s friend’s (the guy who goes with her to her daycare as well) mom, asking her if she was coming. She had the same apprehensions as mine and we decided not to send our kids.

R kept asking me in the meantime about the picnic money and I kept telling her that I wasnt too keen to send her. Also RD had this sudden plan to go to Australia and then I was all the more clear that with no one around in case of an emergency, I wasnt sending R. Then we got a circular just the day before Holi that the venue of the picnic has been changed and it had got changed to a water park. I was pretty sure I didnt want to send R

1. She is afraid of water

2. She is asthamatic…meaning if anything happens it would be a problem even if I went especially since RD was not around.

All decided, I called my previous office friends for lunch so that R doesnt feel too bad about the whole thing.

But then, in the same change of venue circular they had also mentioned that the school fees needed to be paid before 15th and today was the only day I could afford to go and pay it since it was all working days after that for both RD and I.

The circular mentioned that the buses would leave sharp at 8 while the school fees payment timings were 9 to 11.

R was okie with not going and she was like Amma its fine I dont want to go.

Then I got up early to finish all the cooking for the lunch since my friends were coming over and then got R ready and decided to reach the school sharp at 9 so that I didnt have to wait in the line to pay the fees. Also,I thought that by 9 all the picnic buses would have left ((I mean they all were leaving at 8 and max max half an hour late they would start) I reached the school at about 8.55 and to my dismay I saw ALL the buses standing there.

R started searching for her classmates and said ‘Amma, mereko picnic jana hai (Amma, I want to go to the picnic) I told her baby its not possible since we havent paid the money for the picnic. I quickly stood in the line to pay the fees and they took it. by this time  R had spotted her teacher in the bus. She still didnt react told me once more about going to the picnic and then waved good bye with a huge smile to all her friends who were with the teacher. Her face had changed but she didnt cry. One of the teachers asked me if I was waiting to get into the bus and I told them no I had come to pay the fees.

Slowly the buses started moving out by 9.10 and then R said once more she wanted to go to the picnic. I had to stand inside the school where her buses were parked, because I couldnt risk taking R and walking with all the buses moving out one by one.  And then she waved bye to her class teacher and as soon as I took her to the Activa, she started crying. Crying so much all through the way, pleading to me to take her to the picnic, pleading to me to pay the fees, pleading to me that she will be a good girl for ever. I felt horrid, so horrid that I cant describe it.

I tried explaining all the reasons to her as I had done earlier about the water park and RD not being there. But she just wouldnt listen. The entire 20 minutes in the bike she was howling, crying, pleading with so many pleases.

Please Amma take me to D teacher.

Please Amma, promise I will be a good girl.

Please Amma, give money for the picnic.

Please Amma, take me to the picnic spot.

When we reached home, she started hitting me big time. I tried stopping her. I said sorry R I made a mistake, I should have sent you. Please dont cry, we will go with Appa. She kept screaming and crying and crying so much that she got breathless. I felt horrid and I started crying. She said Amma dont cry, please send me to D teacher, I will be a good girl. and God! I dont think I felt so so upset even when I had left her for the first time at the daycare. It was like I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

After a while, I had to lie to her that I got a call from her D teacher saying that the school buses are turning back since the picnic spot is closed. She kept crying and pleading. Her breathing was heavy and I was getting very scared. I felt helpless and I was cursing myself for going early to her school.

Finally, she realised that she couldnt go. I kept telling sorry to her like a million times, and she stopped crying. She was very upset and asked me questions like whether all her friends would get into water, whether the water would be cold, whether the teachers would get into water. I promised her that next picnic she would go but she said,I wanted to go when D teacher was my class teacher and then again I felt so so horrid that I cried. I actually cried in front of my daughter!

Finally, she stopped, and we saw some songs on you tube. While she was watching it, I called up my mom and I cried to her. Amma understood the reason behind why I was not very keen about sending R and then she told me that as a teacher she believed that picnics are great learning experiences but some how my reasoning was not too wrong so this time its okie. She said we all learn from our mistakes and you have realised yours. You can never be the perfect parent so dont worry so much about it. May be R will be upset for a few days but she will forget.

I felt better after that.

As I write this, my mind tells me I should have sent her no matter what, but my heart tells me I didnt send her because

1. The lack of clarity from school.

2. The water park venue and the change in venue just 2 days before

3. Her asthma scared me.

Also, just the selfish mind of mine is trying to satisfy myself that there werent too many kids from her class on the bus. May be about 20 or so out of 44. (Its cheap na!)

I felt better after talking to Amma and then after writing this blog post. I feel lighter, I feel better.

God! please give me strength to go in the right direction!

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About R's Mom

Not-so-new-mom
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91 Responses to When I Called Up My Mother and Cried

  1. My Era says:

    Tight hugs RM…
    I can so understand your pain, the confusion, the array of thoughts you must have had making this tricky and very difficult decision.
    I think I too would have done what you did…..please take care of yourself sweetie.
    Here’s sending loads of positive vibes and peaceful thoughts your way.

  2. Shweta says:

    Hey..
    Don’t feel so sad.. u did it for R… and trust me she will realize sooner or later that whatever decisions you take for her, big or small, important or not so important were for her good..

    Even today when my parents tell me not to go to an office event coz I would get too late coming back I get furious.. I am like what yaar… am all grown up and independent and all my colleagues wud b there why r they so strict.. but I do know that they are scared for me.. and all they want is my well being and nothing more..

    R knows now and will know in future too… 🙂
    She loves you and will always love you.. give her surprise to make up for missing the picnic.. 😉

    • R's Mom says:

      Awww!!! hugs Shweta…I can understand that you get bugged at ma pa…but guess thats what parenting is about eh? cant you negotiate whether your friends can drop you or something?

      • Shweta says:

        Well.. there had been mistakes on my part too.. Somehow I could never make them open to my friends like that.. and till date if I compare they have more confidence in me than anybody else… (which is a good point and a li’l bit challenging at times) Sigh.. !!
        though we do find a way out like.. I wud go and would be the earliest to leave.. or Someone would drive ahead of me..

        I Don’t blame them.. Delhi isn’t safe.. :-/

  3. anisnest says:

    I feel your pain RM.. I mean totally.. this is what I am trying to put together in my recent posts where I say that the girl says “go away”, “I dont like you” et all… Not to scare you but these kind of situations will increase as the kids grow.. We as parents should learn to handle it better.. Its definitely a learning experience for us than the kids. What you have done in this situation is absolutely right from a mother’s perspective but as a kid R might not understand this as she predominantly see only the fun part so as we when we were kids. The first few incidents will make us feel terribly bad and sad (It happened to me as well) but learn from it RM.. R is moving on to next well so should you in handling her.. hugs, hugs and more hugs darling.. cheer up..

  4. Smita says:

    hmmmm you had your reasons for not letting her go to the picnic and am sure things would have been ok had you not gone to deposit the fees. All i would say is that we aren’t born perfect and we learn daily but i also know that you when u see your kid crying all logic fails. All i’ll say is whatever happens happens for best. There has to be a silver lining behind this which isn’t visible now. So chill, jo beet gayi so baat gayi tomorrow is a new day

  5. RM, sometimes the right decisions are the hard decisions. As your mum told you, R might be upset for a few days but she’ll get over it. No doubt though it must have been heart-breaking for you.

  6. zephyr says:

    There are some decisions we have to take in the best interests of our children. And even if they don’t understand it at that time, they eventually do sooner than later. Rachna had written a post on Killer Picnics , on picnics are waterparks sometime back. Maybe you could read it and feel better about your decision.
    http://www.rachnaparmar.com/

  7. I agree with your mom.
    Sometimes it is really difficult to decide what the best thing to do is. It might make you and R feel better, if you did something else, like inviting some of her friends for an outing and make up for the picnic. Hugs.

  8. swapna says:

    Aww hugs for you and R. Parenting is such a tight rope walk na, one is always second guessing themselves. You do whatever feels the best for your kids but you are never sure if that was the right thing to do. Will she resent me for this years later? I can relate to why you cried cos I have cried like that several times. If only they could understand…. Ah but that is a cross a parent especially a mom has to bear. Chin up buttercup, things will be fine. 🙂

  9. Ashwathy says:

    Listen sweetheart…your reason for not sending her still stands firm. It makes a lot of sense, there is logic behind it. Especially the since the authorities weren’t clear from their end, and also R’s water phobia. Maybe you can send her once she is a little older.

    But, your blunder lay in the fact that you brought her to school at a very wrong timing. Why did she have to come to school on the day you were paying her fees? Could you not have come by yourself and paid it after stating her name, class and roll number or something like that? W
    Why bring her, especially on a day when the picnic is to start.

    I agree you could not have forseen that the buses would leave so late. But I’d have preferred if you erred on the side of caution and did not bring her at all. Or was there any specific reason you brought her? Either that, or you could have come a little later…say 10am. Or come on a different day altogether. Whatever. You get the point, right?

    The way I see it, she was fine when you explained the reasons of why you were not sending her. But you brought her to the actual scene, and worse, she saw many of her classmates sitting inside the bus, and she was standing there while the all the buses faded out of sight altogether. That was criminal. 😐 Should not have happened AT ALL. Coz that was the moment the enormity of the situation hit her. All (or many) of her peers are going, and she left out. She is too young to understand logic, while her heart broke into two. All the reasoning flew out of the window. And that is why she got upset afterwards, by which time she digested everything.

    No amount of explanation post that, would help.
    Don’t worry, it’s ok…. don’t beat yourself up so much. Getting upset in front of her and apologising for your decision is even worse, she herself is getting confused as to why or why not. Your mistake did not lie in not letting her go, it just lay in the fact that you (unknowingly) brought her to a scene where she regretted that she did not go. Leave that for now.

    Anyway by now I am sure she would have calmed down. Like your mom said, there is no such as being a perfect parent. Mistakes happen. Learn from them, and move on. Next time onwards, keep a margin for this kind of errors. 🙂 Cheer up, my chickeroo!

    • R's Mom says:

      yes yes my biggest blunder…I totally agree to what you are saying 😦 Well, I couldnt leave her alone at home na..so I had to take her…thats why…but I can so understand what you are telling me..RD told me I should have just turned the bike and gone back…I should have *Smacks self on the head*

      I love that name..chickeroo..awwww!

  10. hey,

    Have been following your post since a quite while now…and i guess have almost managed to read all since i signed in.Some where i do connect and some i guess is good to know.

    Like the story teller in you…is jus cool n i hv started trying tht with my 19mnth old son now and it works…thnks!

    And today after reading this piece i really feel i might also get into your shoes soon tomo.Dunno today how grt a “nice and perfect mother” i m, but i am trying all my efforts to do so.Have left my great career and home to handle my little one and meanwhile started my own business in event planning so that i could give more and more time to my kido. But the feeling is still there that may be he might grow up to say oh no mom u didnt do it the right way for me….

    I would only like to tell u tht guess we all need to be prepared for loads of ups and downs with our kiddos. Every day is a learning for all of us.

    Regards,
    N

  11. uma says:

    Awww RM..*Tight Hugs* I could feel the helplessness you would have felt when I was reading the part about R crying and not calming down. It is tough being a parent. Your Amma is right, your logic this time was correct. You were just being protective. Maybe if RD was around you would have sent her. Don’t beat yourself over this too much. We feel we could have done better at a situation only in hindsight. But it is important to understand that you did the best you could at THAT time. Hugs again!

  12. Shruti says:

    First.. Shhhhh.. Big tight Hugs. Sometimes situations are very tough.. and I think ur reasons for not sending her were right. as a mother we need to take some tough situations.. and sometimes its right .. sometimes its not.. Don’t beat up yourself for that. See always believe u are doing the best you can for your daughter.. Tomorrow is another day .. 🙂 Its ok..

  13. kirti says:

    oh! R’s MOM Hugs to you and R. I know how it hurts to see our children feeling disappointed and deprived of fun but , you had your reasons too .
    Next time demand better communication from school , try to accompany R if possible and trust me , she is just a little kid ,she would soon forget it and ofcourse she is gonna have many many more fun times in her life.
    Don’t worry about making a wrong decision , it was yr concern for health .
    Life teaches us all many things , which is the larger scheme of things and learning to deal with disappointments is also one of the important learnings .So dont let it bother you so much . okie?

  14. Hugs, RM. Of course you did the right thing! There’s no point sending a child who is afraid of water to a water park on a class picnic.She felt so bad only because she saw all the buses leave in front of her, and it wasn’t your fault that the buses left so late, so stop flogging yourself !
    You were also very right in feeling that the school should have been more clear about whether the parents were expected to accompany or not. And since R has asthma, your decision made solid sense–why risk taking an asthmatic kid to a place where immediate medical care may or may not be available. No point at all.
    Sorry to read that R cried so much–poor dear.I can absolutely imagine how upsetting it must have been for her and doubly so for you. Hugs!

  15. Swaram says:

    Hugs RM!

  16. swathi says:

    You did the right thing. If I were you, I will not send my daughter who just turned 3 to a Water Park along with the class. 3 years is too young to realize what is dangerous and what is not. In US also, daycare’s normally don’t take the kids to water parks etc, at max they take them to Parks or Fields, then also they request help from Parents to Volunteer and help. Even in our daughter’s First grade(6-7yr old group) field trip, they assign 3-4 kids to each Volunteering Parent. This year when she went, there are four Parent volunteers for 16 kids. Teacher will take care of other things along with few kids.

  17. Hi, R’s mom….I am no way close to being a wife or mom yet, just a young irl, but I love reading your blogs. I wanted to comment here, because once in 1st standard, all my school friends went for a picnic while I didnt go for whatever reason. I STILL remember that! Its a completely different experience going with other friends than your parents at any age….And the circular didnt make it compulsory for parents to attend because they probably thought that it might not be possible for everyone to attend. The teachers do take care of everything in a picic and they are extra cautious I feel, because I have a niece of R’s age. Dont feel guilty now, it was your first time in such a situation. Even my mom went through it. But try and let her go.
    P.S. My mom was also a working mom, and it turned out quite well for all of us. I appreciate her and so will R. she left her job after we got a dog, and started taking tuitions. so now you know who is more important in the house.. 😛 haha

    • R's Mom says:

      Firstly thanks a ton for your comment..its not chota moonh or anything…you told me a wonderful thing…I will definitely take care and send her the next time..thank you very much for this

      Secondly thanks even more for letting me know that you appreciate your working mom…I really really loved that…Salutes to your ma and hugs to you

  18. Sorry, for chota moonh, badi baat….Just wanted to write as a girl who has experienced similar situations.

  19. NBose says:

    Itz ok baby….might be you were stressed that’s why u had that meltdown….but u know the 3 pointers u mentioned at the end of post are strong enough to not to send R to picnic…..sometimes we have to gulp down the ‘bitter’ medicine to cure the bimari…right!!!

  20. Vidya says:

    oh rakhee dont worry even i cried to my mom, in law, paati on that day for doing all household chores for past 2 yrs (not even a single day) without help…blah blah n shouted at avyukt and then i realized what poor fellow he will do for my mood swing..seriously feel working s a great let out..sittin idle we think millions and end up frustrated…

  21. aww hugs and if I were in your place I guess I would have done the same minus the crying…..err am cold hearted that way 😥 You had a valid reason in not sending R because of the Asthma and yes like your mom said she will soon forget it.

  22. AT says:

    Hugs RM, you and RD aren’t perfect parents but are good parents as there is absolutely no perfect individual on earth…

    I think I too wouldn’t have sent my daughter… I need clear instructions from school, I would also think about any emergencies etc.. So I understand your concern and pain..

    hope you are feeling better now…

  23. Mathangi Vijay says:

    Come on RM, Cheer up.. I know sometimes it is so difficult. By heart, we’ll know that we took the right decision but, yes it might have hurt our kids so much.. Its ok, you are sure that you took the decision which is best for your child and that is all that matters at the end of day.

  24. Gayu says:

    HUGS…!!!!! now i am in tears after reading this…Parenting becomes so difficult at times…I know how it is RM. Samu dances well and she wants to join Dance classes, but she is too weak. She is underweight and is a fussy eater. Doctors suggest that she needs to gain some more weight and then she can join dance classes.

    But how do I tell her this. She keeps on askingme everyday”Mama, mujhe dance class mein kab daloge, pls mama ab mein khana khaungi na…pls mujhe dance karna hai”. Even yesterday she cried. I know how much she enjoys dancing…but right now her health is more important to me.
    you did the right thing RM. Take care of R
    Hugs
    Gayu

  25. {{HUGS}} to both you and R. I had tears as I read this…

    First – your decision to not send her and the reasons are very clear. Yes, with all that changing of venue and so many kids – water – its understandable that you didnt want to send her. No choice there rey RM, she realised that she cant get everything she wants and she will forget it soon too… All I can say is – thats ok.

    To rub some salt in your wound – maybe just maybe you could’ve gone a little later to the school to pay the fees 😦 Its ok, she will soon be fine…

  26. Ramya says:

    Know what… You really need to have guts to say your kid sorry and for taking some right decisions instead of risking things with their health… I really dont feel there is really anything wrong in opening yourself to your kid and crying in front of them… Only thing is it should not be regular… Cheer up my dear RM 🙂

  27. Nithvin says:

    Hugs RM..Given your circumstance & reasons, I would have taken the same decision as you did-not sending the child to the picnic. It happens RM..the best of our reasoning may not always be convincing to our kids..
    Hope you are feeling better by now..
    And why no week-end post this time?

  28. DI says:

    I did assume something must have been weighing you down heavily when I saw you post on a weekend! Hugs RM. I can imagine how tough it would have been, and more so, when there is just no way to fix it, or explain it to a 3 year old! But I guess this is how we all learn.

    And nope, you’re not selfish in justifying to yourself the reasons you did not send her. I am sure a lot of times there will be confusions and decisions will have to be taken in one way or the other, and by the rule of probability, they will be wrong at times. That doesn’t prove anything. Don’t forget that you’re a wonderful mom, and you have a wonderful lil daughter who adores you! 😀

  29. garima says:

    Awww hugs dear..some how I got all emotional reading this post.
    I dont know what to say,just that you are a great mother (You yourself know that) and R is great daughter..take care

  30. Awwwww tough decisions! 😦
    Parenting can be a tough task, I know.

    At times, the husband and I get desperate to have kids, and at other times, when we think of situations like this or see a difficult child, we get scared. We begin to wonder whether we would be good parents or not. And then, when we are calmer, we realise that we will evolve. We will learn too.

    I don’t know whether this rant makes any sense; just felt like mentioning it here.

  31. Seema says:

    Just my two cents here:

    1. Your apprehensions were fair enough. But lack of clarity cannot be an excuse RM. Perhaps you could’ve called her teacher or some faculty to get more info, hai na?
    2. Water park and your concern about R’s health is very genuine. Like you said R was okay with not going. But unfortunately when she saw her friends going on the bus, she dwindled. Like your Amma said ‘You can never be the perfect parent so dont worry so much about it’. Next time, make sure you don’t have second thoughts about sending her. 😀

    ‘I actually cried in front of my daughter!’ – Perfectly fine. You are a human being first and then a mom. I have done it many a times 😀

  32. 😦 😦 I am feeling so bad… with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes… while I can think together with you and say that you did the good thing by not sending her.. feel so bad for R.. she is a kid and she cant understand all these details right? 😦 she cant understand her mom did a good thing by not sending her.. for her, she missed her time with D teacher.. poor girl.. with all her pleases 😦 😦

    but its ok RM.. dont get yourself stressed too much by thinking over this. Next time, see to it that she enjoys and if required, get additional details from her school – by that way, you can be sure of what to decide too.

  33. VJ says:

    Dont be hard on yourself RM.
    Mommy guilt is omni-present. We just have to brush it to the corner most times !! Otherwise it will start to eat us up.
    Beeggg Hugs !

  34. mary says:

    Hugs to u R’s mom —I regularly read u …even tho i hav no blog yet …its okay …parenting in modern times is a zillion times tougher than earlier ….so smile n have a gud cup of coffee …kids crying can kill us ….my son is 4 & very much like R too 🙂 HUGS AGAIN

  35. Swarna says:

    I had tears while reading this. I can understand your situation completely. Don’t worry. You can always send her next time :).
    Take care. It’s good that you let it out by posting here.
    Keep writing.
    Swarna

  36. Hugs RM, I can totally understand the pain behind this post, as mother we all try to take decisions based our our instincts and what we feel right at that point of time. I don’t see anything wrong that you didn’t send R for the picnic, just relax and let these things don’t make you feel low.

  37. Smitha says:

    RM, Hugs!! All I will say is that you shouldn’t be beating yourself over this. After all, you thought of all the possibilities, and took a decision. You did not just decide that because you fancied it – but because you had solid reasons. I would have made the same decision if I did not get the clarity I need from the school. After all, you have to have that peace of mind, when you send your child on a trip like this. To add to it, the change of venue – if anything, I would have changed my mind just by seeing this. Also I feel more comfortable when only one class is taken at a time. When several classes go together, I would worry about the younger children – would they be supervised enough. Would a place that would be fun for an older child, be safe for younger ones..

    Have I convinced you that I am madder than you on issues like this 🙂 Don’t worry so much – you did the right thing. Yes, R was bound to be upset when she saw her friends going – she would have been fine had she not seen them. What can you do? You did your best – given the circumstances. There will always be times when our parenting will clash with others. When something that another child is allowed will not be for ours..
    Hugs and more hugs!

  38. Priyanka says:

    HUGS! I can imagine how horrible you must have felt. Parenting seriously is not an easy job. You are a good mom!

  39. AA_Mom says:

    I would have done the same as well R. Don’t beat yourself about it.

    There was no way you would have known that the buses would not have left. If not for actually watching it, she would have been fine.

  40. Tanishka says:

    Hugs RM…. When I was in my school my mom never sent me for any school trips which were outside our city… I used to plead a lot before her each time but she just wouldn’t listen… I did not like this behavior of her’s and then she could not give me any strong reason but now I know the reason… There were some health issues then which she did not want me to know then and wanted to tell me about them only once things get resolved… Today I know the reason and I completely understand and respect her decisions and I’m sure some day R will also understand your reasons… Now cheer up n i’m sure she would have already forgotten it all… 🙂

    • R's Mom says:

      Hugs to your Mom..she must have been so so strong to convince you not to go…I am glad you do understand…thanks for the comment Tan felt much better after reading it 🙂

  41. Rachna says:

    I totally understand what you are saying and feeling. I am lucky that my son understands when I explain to him. Nevertheless, I am taking it up with the school to make this a policy in the interest of all parents. Zephyr pointed me to your post, and I could relate to it. I wrote on this topic too recently. Take care.

  42. I had posted a comment earlier. It does not seem to appear here 😦

  43. B says:

    It broke my heart. I can imagine what you felt. And I can imagine what her little heart felt. 😦

  44. Aswathy says:

    RM.. I literally cried reading your post.. Hugs

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