Please skip this post. Its basically something that I want to get out of my system. It seems pretty childish but I feel its better I type it out at 10.30 in the night and may be I can get some sleep.
Today I cried. I called up my Amma and I cried. I cried because I was upset. I cried like crazy and today I realised that parenting is not easy at all. Forget the sleepless nights and oh the feeding…some decisions taken can hurt so much that I felt horrible.
We got a note from R’s school some days ago about R’s school taking them to picnic. They had not clearly stated whether parents have to accompany the kids and it was left as a choice to the parents. Either you can send your kid or one parent can accompany them.
I was not very keen about sending her because somehow I thought that if a school cant give clarity on whether parents should attend or not, it didnt make sense. and then if some parents attend and some parents dont, isnt it wrong on the children of the parents who dont attend? Well my personal thoughts. RD was pretty neutral to it and told me if you want to go, go ahead.
While I was still contemplating it, I called up R’s friend’s (the guy who goes with her to her daycare as well) mom, asking her if she was coming. She had the same apprehensions as mine and we decided not to send our kids.
R kept asking me in the meantime about the picnic money and I kept telling her that I wasnt too keen to send her. Also RD had this sudden plan to go to Australia and then I was all the more clear that with no one around in case of an emergency, I wasnt sending R. Then we got a circular just the day before Holi that the venue of the picnic has been changed and it had got changed to a water park. I was pretty sure I didnt want to send R
1. She is afraid of water
2. She is asthamatic…meaning if anything happens it would be a problem even if I went especially since RD was not around.
All decided, I called my previous office friends for lunch so that R doesnt feel too bad about the whole thing.
But then, in the same change of venue circular they had also mentioned that the school fees needed to be paid before 15th and today was the only day I could afford to go and pay it since it was all working days after that for both RD and I.
The circular mentioned that the buses would leave sharp at 8 while the school fees payment timings were 9 to 11.
R was okie with not going and she was like Amma its fine I dont want to go.
Then I got up early to finish all the cooking for the lunch since my friends were coming over and then got R ready and decided to reach the school sharp at 9 so that I didnt have to wait in the line to pay the fees. Also,I thought that by 9 all the picnic buses would have left ((I mean they all were leaving at 8 and max max half an hour late they would start) I reached the school at about 8.55 and to my dismay I saw ALL the buses standing there.
R started searching for her classmates and said ‘Amma, mereko picnic jana hai (Amma, I want to go to the picnic) I told her baby its not possible since we havent paid the money for the picnic. I quickly stood in the line to pay the fees and they took it. by this time R had spotted her teacher in the bus. She still didnt react told me once more about going to the picnic and then waved good bye with a huge smile to all her friends who were with the teacher. Her face had changed but she didnt cry. One of the teachers asked me if I was waiting to get into the bus and I told them no I had come to pay the fees.
Slowly the buses started moving out by 9.10 and then R said once more she wanted to go to the picnic. I had to stand inside the school where her buses were parked, because I couldnt risk taking R and walking with all the buses moving out one by one. And then she waved bye to her class teacher and as soon as I took her to the Activa, she started crying. Crying so much all through the way, pleading to me to take her to the picnic, pleading to me to pay the fees, pleading to me that she will be a good girl for ever. I felt horrid, so horrid that I cant describe it.
I tried explaining all the reasons to her as I had done earlier about the water park and RD not being there. But she just wouldnt listen. The entire 20 minutes in the bike she was howling, crying, pleading with so many pleases.
Please Amma take me to D teacher.
Please Amma, promise I will be a good girl.
Please Amma, give money for the picnic.
Please Amma, take me to the picnic spot.
When we reached home, she started hitting me big time. I tried stopping her. I said sorry R I made a mistake, I should have sent you. Please dont cry, we will go with Appa. She kept screaming and crying and crying so much that she got breathless. I felt horrid and I started crying. She said Amma dont cry, please send me to D teacher, I will be a good girl. and God! I dont think I felt so so upset even when I had left her for the first time at the daycare. It was like I had made the biggest mistake of my life.
After a while, I had to lie to her that I got a call from her D teacher saying that the school buses are turning back since the picnic spot is closed. She kept crying and pleading. Her breathing was heavy and I was getting very scared. I felt helpless and I was cursing myself for going early to her school.
Finally, she realised that she couldnt go. I kept telling sorry to her like a million times, and she stopped crying. She was very upset and asked me questions like whether all her friends would get into water, whether the water would be cold, whether the teachers would get into water. I promised her that next picnic she would go but she said,I wanted to go when D teacher was my class teacher and then again I felt so so horrid that I cried. I actually cried in front of my daughter!
Finally, she stopped, and we saw some songs on you tube. While she was watching it, I called up my mom and I cried to her. Amma understood the reason behind why I was not very keen about sending R and then she told me that as a teacher she believed that picnics are great learning experiences but some how my reasoning was not too wrong so this time its okie. She said we all learn from our mistakes and you have realised yours. You can never be the perfect parent so dont worry so much about it. May be R will be upset for a few days but she will forget.
I felt better after that.
As I write this, my mind tells me I should have sent her no matter what, but my heart tells me I didnt send her because
1. The lack of clarity from school.
2. The water park venue and the change in venue just 2 days before
3. Her asthma scared me.
Also, just the selfish mind of mine is trying to satisfy myself that there werent too many kids from her class on the bus. May be about 20 or so out of 44. (Its cheap na!)
I felt better after talking to Amma and then after writing this blog post. I feel lighter, I feel better.
God! please give me strength to go in the right direction!