Bugged on Valentine Day :(

No seriously with the month of love around and Valentine’s day just happening last week, I should be in love with everyone…but right now I am bugged…

For a lot of reasons…

I have given  up, you know..for every guy like RD or RMB, I meet such guys (Described below) who make me go so angry that I get bugged…

Both the incidents happened on Valentine’s day…and I just feel like giving up on V day!…no I am pretty neutral to V day  you know…I neither am a big fan, nor do I stop anyone from celebrating it..to each his or her own…

Incident #1

This guy to sits next to me…he has two kids and his wife is a prof at some college..

Pretty educated, has travelled abroad extensively..etc etc

Him: I went yesterday to buy diamonds
RM: Awwww…thats so sweet..for V day for your wife is it?
Him:yes….but they are so expensive
RM: yes they are
H: but she wants one
RM: Thats nice
H: no but I was thinking whether I should really buy it..
RM: I have heard diamonds have no re-sale value…but then they look pretty eh if you are into jewellery
H: you dont like them?
RM: I am not a big fan of jewellery
H: hmmmm…I got one for 30 K for her…
RM: Thats so sweet..what did you buy?
H: Earrings…for 30 K
RM: oh..great…did she like it
H: If she doesnt like anything thats worth 30K , I wonder what she expects..

and this is where I got bugged…I mean, why the hell do you have to crib and buy..dont buy na..simple..otherwise if you buy, enjoy the gifting!!!!

Why bring it down so cheaply to money 😦

Incident #2

I am walking towards the bus ..

Guy 2: Hey
RM: hey how are you?
G2: Fine fine..happy V day
RM: oh same to you..hope you are enjoying the newly married life
G2: Whats there to enjoy?
Okie and I shut up..because I dont have anything else to say

G2: So whats the plan for V Day
RM: nothing rey….kuch major nahi
G2: Well..I am sure RD will be ready with a hot cup of tea and some snacks for you by the time you reach home..poor guy what all he has to  bear

RM: *takes deep breath* And you think its a problem because…..?
G2: Arey poor fellow has to put up with you…and your demands!
RM: and you dont do this to your wife
G2: Of course not, I dont do anything of this sort for the wife…she should do it na…I really pity RD
RM: looks at him angrily : Well, then I pity your wife because she will never know what is it to have a wonderful husband..

and I walk away. fuming. angry, bugged. irritated…

I mean, why why why…

both the guys are well educated, travelled across the globe and totally seemingly intelligent people..and yet 😦

I think its in the Indian blood. Thats all I can say..the way we bring up our boys to think girls have to serve them 😦

It makes me sad. All this while, I was thinking education is the key to change your thought process…but is it…? now I dont think education has ANYTHING to do with your thought process or even going around the world will ever broaden your horizons…if you are brought up in a certain way, no matter what, thats how you are going to think…I am just so bugged. Gah!

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About R's Mom

Not-so-new-mom
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85 Responses to Bugged on Valentine Day :(

  1. summerscript says:

    “if you are brought up in a certain way, no matter what, thats how you are going to think”- So true RM ..so true

  2. Swaram says:

    🙄 Well, totally to do with the conditioning and upbringing also may be; Indian blood is probably too strong a thing to say 😛 We have seen ‘n’ gems around us 🙂

  3. zephyr says:

    This is precisely what I had tried to say in my post. http://cybernag.in/2012/01/is-a-degree-holder-really-educated/

    And chauvinism has no national boundaries. It is a universal phenomenon. If we tried to look deep into other cultures and countries, yes, even Western ones, we will find many such instances. Their problems might not be woman serving man or in-laws interfering but other kinds of discrimination in daily life.

  4. yes… as you said its the Indian blood… we are all thinking its changing slowly.. but I am forced to believe that the change is happening backwards and some guys these days are much worse as compared to the older generation.. they all want working women but expect them to do all the household work + bring them salary… if a guy is good enough to take part in household work..then he is pitied up on… and if a girl expects her husband to take equal part in running a home, she is asking for too much freedom..who are these guys to give us freedom as if its in their hands… my freedom and my wish..

    bad of your colleague to get a v-day gift and then crib! guy2’s wife is really poor to have such a narrow minded husband.. i pity her…

  5. Pepper says:

    Funny that your post comes at a time when I have been so upset cos of my MIL’s new expectations from me. In my case, it’s not the husband, thankfully. It’s her. Sometimes she expects me to never have a job so that I can stay home and cook for her son. Her views depress me, but they anger Mint beyond words. I fear she will have to face his wrath sometime soon. And yes, RM, education in India does not really help us evolve. Can you believe it, my MIL has a double masters. She did her MSc, and then she did her MBA! During her time! And yet, it makes no difference to the way she thinks 😦

    • R's Mom says:

      ARe you kidding me..she is so educated and yet :(:( I can believe it at all…all the more reason now I think that its your upbringing that matters and not your education 😦

    • Ah, the MIL wanting the DIL to stay at home and cook for her son despite the son wanting no such thing. It is very common, isn’t it!
      Just curious, Pepper, has she been working herself? If not, then maybe she is bitter about it and resentful towards those women who had the good fortune to be ‘allowed’ to work.Sad!

    • vethal says:

      Pepper!! you are sooo lucky to have Mint ! .I have read your posts where they expected you to learn their languages.
      These days am giving back openly to my husband. Like he is persuing MS while I take care of baby on weekends.In full public view of his mom, I say its all my beherbaani , that he is able to study further,
      It makes her sulk and stay silent. But let it b that way !!! they need to know women have careers too and its not a 8 hr timepass.

  6. I have a slightly different opinion on the first incident. There is always the possibility of the wife ‘demanding’ for such expensive jewelry. No? (Don’t look at me like that, okay. The only gift the CH has given me until today is a lip-gloss. And I don’t use any kind of make-up at all. So.. there!) Jokes aside, I have seen a lot of women demanding gifts from their husband, not knowing the financial position. Although the husband might be interested to buy something of her choice, he would crib ‘cos of the money. I think that is fair. She would get upset and angry if not bought and so buying is the only option for him. (I might be wrong here. Just my PoV!)

    And the second kind of men bug me too. Every time, I tell some one, I work on Saturdays and the CH takes care of them full time, I get a standard reply – Aiyo paavam andha manushan! I used to get bugged. Sometimes, I’ve even tried reasoning out that the kids were born to both of us. But no! Nothing would work. So, these days, its just ‘Shift+Ignore’ wonly!

    • R's Mom says:

      May be SnS you are right..I dont deny that aspect…but my problem was did he HAVE to keep saying 30K , 30K , 30K…I mean if your wife does demand jewellery from you, then just keep it to yourself..would you tell a relatively unknown person about it 😦

      What nonsense..whats paavam about taking care of your own kids..!!!!

      Shift+ ignore..hehehe 🙂 cute expression na..I am going to use it somehow in one of my blogposts 🙂

  7. garima says:

    Arre RM some people will never change..aap kyun gussa kar rahe ho,?Just ignore them.
    Better and simple solution na 🙂

  8. Ramya says:

    Really RM.. no use of education for these matters.. at least from our generation we need to bring up our sons and daughters to think there is nothing great or wrong in helping wife or mom or any other woman fr that… no male is greater than a female.. i wish we get to accomplish this soon and see the results at least in our kiddos’ lives…

  9. Ashwathy says:

    I can’t stand such jerks!! 😡
    They think they are the losers while getting married and that they are doing a favour to womenkind by getting married….. while reality is the other way round. I sympathise with their spouses…. poor things.

  10. Raji says:

    Things are changing. Present generation men are always willing to help. I agree with Pepper’s comments. My MIL does not like it even if my husband makes Chai once in a while, though we both work similar hours outside.
    She is very nice otherwise, willing to help with any chore, but things gets complicated if her son or husband does any work in front of her. But I cannot complain, my husband helps plenty otherwise.

    • R's Mom says:

      so its true..things are changing…thats why I said for every RD or RMB I rejoice about, there are people like this who make me feel bad…

      Arey I think for every mom thats an issue..her son working…to be honest, its the same with my MIL and RD…I fight back 😉

      • Seema says:

        Same pinch here. Whenever Abbas does some chore in front of Ma, she showers her sympathies on him and says ‘I had brought him up like a flower.’ to which I once told her ‘Oh yes, my parents brought me up like a thorn’ Nowadays, she is used to it. But she will try to finish all the chores that she knows Abbas does around the house without giving him an opportunity to move a finger. I get so pissed off. Grrrr.

  11. piyali says:

    Hi .
    Reminds me I will have to take care.I have a son who is 11 yrs old .And I want to be a loved MIL maybe 20 yrs from now (or less???).You know I can proudly say my 11 yr old makes excellent tea-black/or normal ,he cooks even–makes some really nice pastas (not the ready to eat ones) some chicken dishes can bake cakes makes wonderful continental salads….all inspired by me .And I do keep in mind apart from this cooking business of his that he should grow up into a sensitive human being .Sensitive towards women ,old people and children specially.Of course he can give it back to the bullies but otherwise.And yes I dont really care too much whether he gets the highest marks in class or not.Education is after all wisdom and not academics.

    • R's Mom says:

      Piyali *Bows down to thee and does shashtaang namaskar*

      you are awesome babes…I am so so proud!!!

      I dont know what else to say :):) You infact made my day with this comment!

  12. Seema says:

    ‘RM: looks at him angrily : Well, then I pity your wife because she will never know what is it to have a wonderful husband..’ – Standing ovation to you RM. I wanted to bang G2’s head when he said ‘Arey poor fellow has to put up with you…and your demands!’.

    G1 could have better not gifted his wife anything when he counts every penny that he spent on her. A big Gah to him!!!

    I’m fuming too. Education has nothing to do with one’s thought process. I remember reading Zephyr’s post on that.

  13. Nithvin says:

    Of the two men in your post, I am most enraged at the the second man’s views. Even I have realised that there are certain things that are inbuilt in many of the the Indian men’s psyches and that it is impossible to totally remove them. No, education doesn’t seem to change it either.

    But some of the women’s views about ‘serving’ the men folk are equally enraging. I have witnessed some of my mom’s friends not even letting their husbands place their used plates in the sink. Even if they are at a get together out of their homes, these women insist on collecting their respective husband’s plates and putting it in the sink. Can’t these grown up men even do that? And these women are all educated but are SAHM. Is that what makes them behave like that? Not sure.

  14. Smita says:

    My blood boiled as I read the 2nd instance. Glad you gave him an answer, had I been in your place I am sure I wud have stopped talking to him by now. Such a creep he is.

    And you know sometimes I feel “the Indian mentality” is a good excuse to hide behind jabki the fact is these things are dependent on an individual. I mean what is the sense of education if you are not learning anything from it. And my point is ok if you do not want to do it your wish why berating others as if they are commiting a crime? Why belittle someone when you yourself are so small as a human and belittle for what? For being a good understanding human being?
    Such people do not know how to handle a relationship, for them everything is just take n take no give n take!
    huh!

  15. vethal says:

    honestly, I don’t have issue with guy 1 . may be he is single earning member and his wife really demands ??? (like she asked one). But I do have serious issue with Guy2 !!!

  16. G2 sounds pretty obnoxious-‘whats there to enjoy’ hey!
    Looks like he doesn’t love his wife and cannot stand the thought that some people do love theirs! Too bad for him and his poor wife.

  17. kirti says:

    I am feling sorry for you that you came across not one but two chauvnistic P’s in a day .
    But I seriously feel that society and men’s attitude is changing for better , irrespective of their upbringing . why otherwise would you think Mint would be so rational and sensible despite his mom’s attitude ? people are changing , young men are changing too but this change comes from within irrespective of education and upbringing.This change comes from unbiased , rational thinking . some prejudices and discriminations get worn off with wisdom and willingness to learn.
    Actually , I am seeing some really wonderful guys around me day in and day out who share house work with their wives ( not merely help, they SHARE) and do it happily and trust me their mom’s are no different than you would imagine to be typical indian MIL.

    • R's Mom says:

      of course…look at my brother and RD…they are wonderful examples of guys who are ready to help their spouses..or even my dad!

      I agree the society is changing..but for every RMB/RD/Appa, I get a character like these two guys who make me sad 😦

  18. RS says:

    Hey! hey dont WANT to grow up and understand because then the lazy B@$^@#&$ will have to take on more responsibility and accept that the wife is a ‘partner’ not a free cook cum slave…

    And why gloat about a V-day gift when its whole purpose is not met? grrr…

  19. Pingback: Men these days….. « From the Editions of Green Boochi

  20. Shweta says:

    So True RM… In fact I have seen guys who are so considerate towards their female friends while fail to be the same for their mothers/wives …

    Though its a kind of assurance that I know few of really nice men at my workplace as well as among my friends who are men enough to take up equal responsibilities as well as are loving and caring towards their wife 😀

  21. NBose says:

    I dont think education has ANYTHING to do with your thought process or even going around the world will ever broaden your horizons…if you are brought up in a certain way, no matter what, thats how you are going to think……..AGREEEE

    For the second incident I have something to share….my hubby takes care of morning tea & breakfast and we cook the dinner & lunch as per whoever is available that time….it was same when I was working and now when i am a SAHM…….we (esp I) never thought it as a big deal when one of family friend couple came for stayover at our place commented that hubby is the “Tulsi Virani ( that famous bahu of typical saas-bahu soaps)” of my household….I was stunned & bugged and his wife was giggling on the joke….That friend is a MBA working in MNC Bank!!!!…felt like giving him an apt answer! 😦

    For the first incident I am not sure but it seems that wife is also demanding “particular” gift for V day….why only express love on VDay ?

    sorry for a long comment but was not able resist myself from sharing my exp.

  22. NBose says:

    U know sometime i wish if I have a son then I would definitely show off his upbringing to these stupid people……

  23. My era says:

    You tackled the second guy real well 😀
    As far male chauvinism goes, it is independent of education and even age. Such men seek pleasure in boasting that they don’t lift a glass of water themselves.
    These situations have nothing to do with V-day, such people talk and behave crazily all 365 days of the year 😉

  24. Education I’m realising has very little to do with such things. As you rightly said, it’s upbringing and values…if they have been brought up with values to respect women, they wouldn’t behave in this manner.

  25. Bikram says:

    paisa yeh paisa haye paisa .. kaisa hai yeh Haye paisa ..

    Its all about money , end of the day when we look at anything it all comes down to money.. and V day is jsut that and sorry to say MAJORITY of the people beleive that the more expensive gift the more love or care they are showing and WILL GET BACK TOO..

    gone are the days when you went up to a friend and Hugged them on their b’day and said Happy birthday and you saw a big smile and a return hug, Now you hug , say happy birthdya and the person looks at your hand what I am going ot give now ..
    such is what has become of life ..

    education means nothing end of the day that too is bookish knowledge the more you can mug up and write in exams the more marks you get ..

    am i wrong

    I still beleive that a best gift is A firm handshake , a Big punjabi JAFFI, Tight one and the wishes .. Thankfully I have some very beautiful human beings out there who still beleive in it ..

    sorry i have gone completely on a tangent , but i was jsut writing a post on this all ..

  26. I applaud you for giving it back to him- I think I might have just not known what to say. And you said exactly what I/anyone else should tell such MCPs.
    I really really pity his wife.
    With the first incident, although I agree with SnS in part, I also think he had no business sharing that detail with an relatively unknown person- I mean that by itself appears very bad.
    My point being, if you are against buying such things-fair enough,but have the spine to tell her and convince her. Or, if you enjoy buying such things-that’s great too, but, really shut your trap. Must you talk about it to people? And another thing I’ve noticed is, some of these men do NOT necessarily share a bad relationship with their wives( by bad, I mean “oh she doesn’t understand my financial position” or “oh he does not buy me anything without my shouting off the rooftops”) . They just like to pretend like it is SUCH a bother to get a gift. I don’t know what such men get out of this. Really. It must be just for kicks. But what kick,really?
    A point I always bring about with the husband, especially when discussing some friend/colleague who happens to bad mouth their wife in public.

  27. Deeps says:

    I feel bad for those spouses who have to put up with such narrow-minded, chauvinistic husbands like H and G2 😦

  28. Tanishka says:

    I’m happy that you gave back to the second guy on his face…. And yes even I pitty his wife… She has to put up with such a looser…

  29. Smitha says:

    Some people will never change 😦 I have seen some super chauvinistic guys demanding that their wives(equally educated, working in the same jobs as them), behave like wives from their gaon! I find that so ridiculous! And what is more these wives, after doing so much, still believe that they are not doing ‘enough’ when the husbands continue to be upset at the ‘lackings’ of the wives! I feel like hitting up such men! Not just me, husband gets mad at them too 🙂

    • R's Mom says:

      And what is more these wives, after doing so much, still believe that they are not doing ‘enough’ when the husbands continue to be upset at the ‘lackings’ of the wives! – Gosh I cant believe this 😦

  30. popbiscuit says:

    The second jerk irritated me more somehow…I am glad you retorted the way you did…
    With regards to the reluctant gift giver..I have come across a few idiots like that too…all well educated, living abroad etc…pity the women they are with..

  31. Sangitha says:

    Not just gender sensitive parenting but also seeing good role models – men participating and women standing up for themselves when there isn’t enough participation. Apparently, we all revert to doing what we’ve experienced versus what we’ve been told. Western research didn’t account for the ‘told and then MADE to do’ part that children face in India!

    • R's Mom says:

      Not just gender sensitive parenting but also seeing good role models – men participating and women standing up for themselves when there isn’t enough participation. – Did I mention you are my teacher..always! how perfect summed it up!

  32. AT says:

    sigh… We Indians raise our son as king and daughters as slave 😦 (not all indians but majority)…. And such sons/boys grow up to be these kinds of men….

    you know whenever DH buys me anything be it pen/purse/jewellery or anything, he’ll never let money come into picture(I don’t demand anything btw)…sometimes he confesses he liked something but was out of his budget…and I tell him that its his thought that matters and nothing else….

    now coming to first guy, if he gifts his wife earrings and keeps repeating to her “30k”..does the man thinks wife would appreciate gift….. And why buy something if he needs to crib… There must be thousand things *cheaper and more meaningful* which he could have done…

    I really doubt wife demanding jewellery without knowing financial position of husband….but then if she was demanding and he couldn’t communicate his problems to her than its a more big and serious issue….

  33. Comfy says:

    As upset as I am of G2 and that there are loads of guys like that there are equal number of well educated girls like that as well.
    We have a friend who got married. His wife does not let him do anything. And everytime he tries to they get in to a fight. She starts off with how he is giving her a bad name and making her look small in front of everyone. What will people say? Then she comes up with gems like, ‘If the male of the house does puja, the entire house is blessed. While if the female of the house does puja then only she is blessed.’ She she keeps after the guy to do puja every day.
    Honestly I am just lost when she starts talking. She is our age, our generation, MBA from abroad. The list goes one.
    So I think it is more how you grow up than anything else. Simple!

  34. anisnest says:

    as mentioned in most of the comments its the brought up that matters RM.. I would say 200%..
    I have witnessed so many such incidents 😦

  35. Archana says:

    I really dont know RM. But when I read stories like this, I find it alien. One is I have never seen glory romances in my family. No one has ever said an I love you, or been this mushy and my mom and dad have never known a V day but, but no one has also been this rude about it. The attitude of Guy 2 pisses me off. I mean, seriously – what is his problem? Is he the one who is cleaning your fans, and changing diapers at home? People like this, should be kept where they ought to be. Argh!

    Okay, now what is with this wishing V day like it is good morning? I had so many people doing it this year.

  36. ARP says:

    Hi RM,

    Sorry for the late comment, but got time today to read all blogs. I am totally with you on this. I think its the ladies (first mom and wife) who induce the ‘I am the king’ complex in the guys and I have seen ladies who love doing it. But alas while doing it, ladies fail to realise that they are no less than their male counter parts and need their share of love/care/respect and support.

  37. Vidya says:

    hayyo! am seriously tired of this kind of people and their ummm.,.. what do you call it? so tired and sick that i don’t bother to retort and i don’t even get angry now, and don’t pity the women in their lives.. morons!

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