If I Have To Become a Mother Again, the Stakes Seem Too High

Warning: Crazy post ahead please read at your risk..or you know what…its a rant..just skip this one!

And so, the other day while walking towards the bus…I meet up with NB who has been married for an year…

NB: Arey where have you been
RM: Here only, I take a different bus
NB: Oh okie
RM: How are things with you?
NB: Okie RM..as usual MIL problems..and now everyone is asking me to have a baby since I finished one year of marriage
RM: Okie..so you want to have a baby is it?
NB: Well..I dont know..I am pretty old you know..as old as you infact a few months older
RM: Oh okie..but that isnt a problem na..I mean look at so many people, they gave birth even at mid 30s…if you arent sure then wait for a while
NB: Too much pressure from the in laws side..and so are you planning your second one
RM: hahahha! you sound like one of those aunties in my building yaar…pata nahi
NB: you should *She looks all serious*
RM: okie..if you say so..lemme tell RD that NB wants us to have another baby and I start laughing
NB: no no..dont joke..acha tell me…in RD’s family is he the only son
RM: No he has a sister na..I told you
NB: no no…only son…
RM: Arey I told you na he has a sister..
NB: No..boy boy..he doesnt  have any brothers na
RM: oh that ways…yaa he is the only boy and he has only one sister
NB: Thats what…and you have a daughter
RM: Errr..of course you do know that dont you
NB: Thats what RM, have another child..you have to have another child..a boy this time
RM: WHAT!
NB: Arey someone has to take RD’s family name forward na
RM: Are you crazy…I already have R na..and why should I have more children..just to take RD’s family name forward..tu pagal hai (you are mad)
NB: Arey, wont anyone tell you to have another child to take his family name forward?
RM: you know what NB, if I have another child, I hope its a girl…so that people like you dont come up with strange explanations on WHY I should plan a second child…I cant believe you yaar..you are so educated and YOU are telling me this! I cant believe it
NB: Arey thats how the world thinks RM…if I have a girl child in my first pregnancy, I HAVE to have a second child as a boy
RM: How the hell are you going to ensure its a boy..what if its a girl
NB: Well..thankfully in my case, my husband’s elder brother already has a son..so its not that bad
RM: I dont believe this..I swear I just dont believe this!! Are you kidding me!!!you know what? now toh I hope I have a daughter only the next time I ever have a child
NB: Gosh…you are so different RM
RM: Different..why different?
NB: I would never dare to say this aloud
RM: What aloud! I am just telling you and I will also tell anyone who dares to tell me to have a boy the next time…I mean as long as the baby is healthy, how does it matter boy or girl?

This folks comes for a lady who is well educated, works for a big firm and has lived all her life in Mumbai, whose mother has supported her two daughters and one son after her father expired when my friend was 12 years…I mean…you have seen your mother slog, you have seen yourself working your ass off…and YET you want me to ENSURE I have a boy…just to carry the family name forward *shakes head*

I sometimes just dont know what to say!!!

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About R's Mom

Not-so-new-mom
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67 Responses to If I Have To Become a Mother Again, the Stakes Seem Too High

  1. The Bride says:

    I think the pressure is less from her MIL and more in her own head. You seem to have said it quite right 🙂

  2. summerscript says:

    NB: Gosh…you are so different RM

    I am happy that you are different RM!!!

  3. anisnest says:

    hmm I don’t know what to say RM.. seriously.. I am speechless.. I have seen this “need a boy” thing even with well educated people who work in MNCs that too at abroad.. 😦
    And reg. this boy/girl combi there is even a popular tamil saying that goes as each family should have two kids – “aasai-kku onnu aasthi-kku onnu” meaning “one for love and one for wealth”.. you see girl is for love and boy is to carry forward the family name to next generation.. 😦

  4. Munch says:

    Hello RM,

    Delurking for the first time:) Been a regular here for almost a year. This is one topic where I cannot not comment. Even I have a daughter (14 months old) and I always wanted a girl just to fight against the so called social norms though I was ok with a healthy baby of any gender. My blood boils when people talk about family name and blah blah..

    PS: The best part is mine is a matriarchal family where the daughter carries forward the family name and lineage and always a girl child is preffered 😉 though I don’t support any kinda gender preference for such silly reasons. And I am married to a palakkad iyer whose family is patriarchal. So girl or boy would have carried forward different family names in my case 😉

    Btw I enjoy reading you every morning

    Cheers,
    Munch

    • R's Mom says:

      for an year *Gasp*

      babes, you should have commented na :):)

      oh you are from Kerala is it? thats why the matriarchal…isnt that amazing 🙂

      I am glad that you have a choice on the name to carry 😉 but seriously Munch..it doesnt matter na…I mean I carry my dad’s name as much as hubby carries his dad’s name..whats the big deal!

  5. I so agree with you… Whats in the gender?! Some People never seem to change… My parents have two daughters – does that mean there is no one to take the family name forward? NO..Though married, I have not changed my last name and will definitely take it forward to the next generation too.. I look after my parents, take up responsibilities, satisfy their needs and make them happy. How is this different from a boy doing all this to his parents?? It all depends on how kids are brought up.

  6. RS says:

    Hmmm….And here I am getting ‘advise’ that there needs to be a second one – sex immaterial. And everytime someone came home to see Chutku/ or saw me when I Was pregnant wished for a son only – while only hubby and I were dying for a daughter!!

    Hmmppphh! This day and age and there are still people like that. Actually feel sad for that lady! She is like that frog in the well!

    I know the comment is getting longer but my Mom always wanted her child to be a daughter – especially the first one and my parents had even taken a mannat for a daughter! She was thrilled to bits to have me – i’ve heard 🙂

  7. Ashwathy says:

    I had a feeling half way through the post, as to where this thought process of that woman is headed 😐

    I hear about lunatics like this all the time. They better not show their face in front of me or else I might even punch their nose out 😡 Makes my blood boil to hear this utter crap. And this, my dear, is why our country continues to remain in a time warp in spite of everyone hailing ‘progress’. Why in heaven’s name are we so obsessed with sons, I will NEVER understand. EVER.

  8. garima says:

    Oh yes some people never change.How so ever educated they may be their mindset and thinking does not get changed.And I always tell my hubby (even he is the only son) whenever we plan for a baby I hope we may be blessed with a princess..i so want that dream to come true.

  9. Smita says:

    I am amazed!!! 1stly she herself is not sure that she wants a baby right now or not then she talks about pressure from her in-laws for having a baby and then she says all this to you??
    Heights of hypocrisy I say!!!
    And to top it all she is lecturing you about benefits of having a boy??? Seriously what age are we living in??? Instead of moving ahead we are moving backwards? And don’t we expect the educated ppl to bring a reform in thinking???
    You even the parents of my real SIL had given her something to eat so that the 2nd baby that she has is a boy and you won’t believe that something was given after she had concieved I mean give me a break!! What’s the sense of education and all??? When my Mom had come to know about it she was furious but by then it had already happened. Fortunately she had another girl 🙂
    In fact after I had given birth to A an relative from my Hubby’s side had called up and said “pehli baar main sahi nishana laga tumhara beta” had the stmt not been hilarious I wud have surely fumed!!!!!

    • R's Mom says:

      Gosh!! I dont believe this..given somethign to eat…bhagwan!!!

      That joke was so stupid ugh!

      but you know what…a lot of people are like that…you know I have friends who are mothers to boys who hear comments like..arey abhi doosra nahi kiya toh chalega *rolls eyes*

    • Deeps says:

      “1stly she herself is not sure that she wants a baby right now or not then she talks about pressure from her in-laws for having a baby and then she says all this to you??
      Heights of hypocrisy I say!!!” I commented along similar lines until I read this comment of yours.. same pinch, Smita :D.

  10. Hah.. Here my in-laws wanted a girl-baby whatsoever and so did my husband! 🙂

    I’ve come to realise that education, urban-upbringing, or any thing else is not connected with a person’s thought process. Sad but true!

  11. Deeps says:

    You know, its when I come across people like such that I feel how gravely ingrained social conditioning is in them…even good education doesnt seem to help them shirk their ridiculous mentality off :(.

    On one side your friend seems quite disturbed by all the poking pressures from her in-laws to have a child and on the other side she is thrusting her regressive opinions on you and pressurizing you to have a second child 🙄 🙄 Pardon me for saying this, RM but how ridiculously hypocritical is that! Had done a post recently on how it irked me no end when people made fleeting judgment about my family NOT beng complete if I didnt have another child, more specifically a son 😡 .Can imagine how frustrated you must have been after having this discussion with your friend.

    All I can advice you, RM on this topic, is just ignore such bunch and do what you feel is best for you and your family :). Trust me, you’ll not regret it one bit 🙂

    • R's Mom says:

      I know…I totally agree..she was being hypocritical…If I hadnt known what a wonderful girl she is otherwise, I would have literally stopped talking to her (I know thats childish na!) but she is actually a very sweet girl…I just felt so bad for her that despite education nothing seems to have affected her thought process of male children in the family !

  12. Pepper says:

    Sigh. I have still not learnt to deal with such idiots. This enrages me so much, SO MUCH, i just turn silent. I don’t even tell the person what I think. Because I am worried, if i open my mouth, I will scream, shout, abuse and almost slap them. Some things bother me too much. This is one of them. 😦

  13. Bikram says:

    such silly notions and ways ONLY come from the educated most ofthe time .. Think about it .. when did a uneducated person say anything this silly to you 🙂 in general terms .. we thing educated and all hi fi are abovethe world but beleive me they are not ..

    You know other then my nani, an couple more the other everyone are/was/were/ going on and on .. about me being alone andall that ..

    This Son thing well its very much there in our families some say it aloud some dont .. thats all …
    the worst are the family members when they come with remarks “OH koi na”, “agli baad Ladka hoga”.. blah blah blah and these are the same people whose OWN sons have thrown them out of the house and its their daughters looking after them ..

    • R's Mom says:

      OH koi na”, “agli baad Ladka hoga”.. – Thats so bugging!!!

      you know sometimes I think its a big myth that sons look after parents…I know of so many daughters who do it..and do a better job than the sons!!!

  14. zephyr says:

    who cares about carrying forward the family name and all? what is the point in having sons when they don’t have time or wouldn’t even take care of their parents in times of need? Girls will never refuse to do it btw. The brats would vouch for the fact that I would have loved both of them to have been born girls but alas! 😀

  15. Smitha says:

    That kind of stuff makes me want to shake people up to make them realise the drivel that they spout! I have had my share of this 🙂 But now, all the people who know me, know better than try this with me 🙂

    But seriously, the one thing I have realized is that education does not matter – it is all in their heads, a lot of women , themselves want boys for reasons like ‘improving their standing in front of their in-laws’, to get the ‘privilege of being a mother of a boy’ etc, etc.. Sometimes they just use the excuse of in-laws to justify it.. And the saddest part is that education, awareness, nothing seems to matter 😦 One of my friend was told to eat some fruit, so that she can have that precious boy , next time round!

  16. NBose says:

    Grrrrrrrrrrr…..really i feel lik chewing these people’s heads off……we r two sisters only and my hubby has only a brother (no sister) so wen i was expecting, one of my relative told me that if your hubby’s genes r dominant then for sure i wd give birth to a baby boy !!! and if my genes overshadow his then a girl wd arrive!!!!….imagine what a twisted genetic theorem!!!

    P.S: I was thinking of writing a post on the various weirdo expert advise and comments I recieved wen my girl (Mishti) was born, but u know feeling lazy….bt nw i m charged up…:-) Can I use this post of urs as link in my blog?

    • R's Mom says:

      Glad you had Mishti…thats such a cute Bong name na…I love it…you know when moms wake up their kids saying ‘Mishti uthbe na :):) that sounds so cute na 🙂

      Oh totally, I would love to hear your views 🙂 please do so

  17. Yasmeen says:

    I seriously don’t knw wat to say. I brush aside elder ppl’s remarks, but jus hate n turn away frm these kind of ppl 😦

  18. Tanishka says:

    You know een I have come across such people… Why to blame others I have seen my cousin talking all this non sense and I couldn’t believe she is the same gal whom I have always known… Its annoying more than anything else….

  19. Shades!!!! says:

    Hi RM,
    This is very common yaar, they want a male child. I don’t know for what. It’s not that they don’t love the girl child but still they want a boy.

    • R's Mom says:

      I know they love the girl child…but then it hurts when people expect your son to carry forward your dad’s name..and not your daughter…why this difference? isnt the child born from the same mother’s womb, having the same set of choromosomes..then why the difference!

  20. uma says:

    hmm…did you ask her how she would ensure that she WILL have a boy???
    Gawd…why is our society so crazy????

  21. kirti says:

    hey! We Indinas and even west asians are big nosey parkers. We like to tell ppl to go for a baby ,when to have a baby , which gender should we wish for etc. since i have two sons , there were people who were tch tching that i dont have a daughter , and how inportant it is to have a daughter in the family . i told one of those acquaintances taht i would not mind going for a third child if she guranteed 100% that it would be a girl child only this time and if she would come and stay with me to help me in raising the baby for atleast 3 years.
    She thought i was being funny!

  22. JustAgirl says:

    Utterly disgusting when educated people who are supposedly put an end to gender crimes go about explaining why BOYS are the right gender to have and GIRLS are just never. So mad right now. Now that I think of it, when I was carrying, my MIL asked me what child do I want, and I had said GIRL, and she was quite silent. I knew why then too, but then I think thats the answer which I will say yet again.

    • R's Mom says:

      I can understand..infact when I was pregs with R, a lot of older people blessed me saying ‘let you get a kutti krishnan in the house’ turned out R is pretty much a krishnan with all the prank she plays :):) See..even God doesnt worry about the gender!

  23. Scribby says:

    Your point certainly is right! It doesn’t make sense to argue with people having such logic!

    But coming to your point of ‘well educated, works for a big firm and has lived all her life in Mumbai, whose mother has supported her two daughters and one son after her father expired when my friend was 12 years;

    I would like to say it doesn’t matter how educated you are.

    Your thinking only depends on 3 things: how you’re brought up, how you as a person think and how people in your surroundings are.

    All this makes a person’s mind is what I believe. For example NB [or for that matter any other female] might not have this thought originally in her mind but then her ILs / society surrounding her / peers / relatives must have pushed this thought in her mind and made her think in that direction,you know! She might have had a different view,just like you and me,but then people like her get forced to change their thinking…to submit to the world’s demands…sometimes situations make women weak and make them do what people think is right…

    having said that I don’t deny that there are women who feel strongly for a male child and having a son is the utmost importance for them,these could also be educated and self opinionated…so again I’ll come to my original theory…it all depends on 3 things…

    • R's Mom says:

      Agree agree agree..to all your three points…only after my discussion with NB I realised that…you said everything I wanted to say in those three points..talk about being precise 🙂

  24. Comfy says:

    You know RM D’s brother and sister have only girls and still no one in the family ever talked about having a boy when I was pregnant with Buzz or Bugz. And there has only been smiles and love for the kids.
    On the other hand I have had to hear so much crap since I came to India. I don’t even respond anymore. I just turn around and walk away in disgust.
    Some people are plain stupid I tell you!

    • R's Mom says:

      Hugs to D’s family..no seriously…only girls all over and everyone is happy is a rare scene I have heard!

      I can understand how you are feeling…hugs to you darling…Buzz and Bugz are the best gifts of God anyone can ask for…hugs to my little girls as well okie 🙂

  25. AT says:

    that’s just sad….I too have seen people like NB….don’t know how,when they will realize that it doesn’t matter if you have a boy or girl….

    • R's Mom says:

      I know..its just so frustrating at times..and this one all the more becuase I thought when people are educated it makes a difference…it actually doesnt seem to 😦

  26. Education( as far as people as these are concerned), simply means a way to earn livelihood. my grand ma who was an illiterate, when faced with atrocious discrimination in her own land(this was in 1940’s) told everyone that “I won’t leave this place, because wait and watch, one day I will create a family with educated sons and daughters, and who knows, I’ll have a grand **daughter** who might even be a collector”. This was a lady, who only knew to sign her own name, and that too with assistance. Clay, that’s what these people have for brains.

    • R's Mom says:

      WOWOWO! so you are going to become a collector na..at least you have taken the right steps na 🙂

      Your grandam was a super duper lady..Hats off to her…I am sure you have her genes strong it you

  27. Popped over here from Scribby’s blog…I am aghast at how the so-called educated people think in this day and age. I have realised that sometimes, education has nothing to do with it…it’s the ability to think critically and go beyond what the masses say. And that, is what I think is lacking in most individuals. I am willing to bet there are friends of mine (in their late 20s) who will talk like this despite having a Masters degree and being born and brought up in Bombay. It’s frustrating to have to converse with people like this at times…because no matter what, they will still think you are being stubborn and will be unable to see your point.

  28. Seema says:

    I get this all the time. I wrote a post on this too some time back – http://seemabbas.wordpress.com/2011/07/28/we%E2%80%99re-glad-they-are-daughters/

  29. Writerzblock says:

    UNBELIEVABLE!!! Seriously. I can;t imagine how an ‘educated’ woman can think that way. I love what you said, R’s mom. You are spot on!!!

  30. Richa says:

    Sadly this is today’s reality. Even I witnessed something similar recently. Read here (http://clouds-rain-and-sunshine.blogspot.com/2012/01/some-still-prefer-baby-boy-over-girl.html) and have tagged this post of your’s along. 🙂

  31. lady says:

    Curious to know your friend’s opinion about Satyameva Jayate show…

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