I Need Help

I need help in parenting

Here are my few questions

1) If I am scolding R and my MIL comes in and tells me not to scold her since she is too young (2.5 years) should I stop scolding or continue with my scolding

2) If I find another kid mis behaving with R (In a childish way of course, not intentional) I ignore it the first time, but the second or third time, should I tell that kid to behave?

3) Similarly, if I find a kid teaching R all the wrong stuff (like asking her to suck her thumb or kick some other kid) I should stop that kid from doing that right? but how, should I just tell that kid (how do I effectively send my message across) or shout or just take R away from there?

4) If I take R by public transport, and have forgotten to carry anything for her to eat and she sees another kid eating chips, should I just ignore her looks, distract her (how?) or just ask that kid to share one with R (eeps that would be cheap na!)

5) R has gotten into the habit of being really stubborn (2.5 years I guess) how do I stop her tantrums, scold her gently and tell her that she wont get that extra chocolate, or give it to her and then explain to her that she shouldnt eat those chocos, or just shout at her or just ignore her tantrum??

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About R's Mom

Not-so-new-mom
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12 Responses to I Need Help

  1. Liked your questions because we, as moms, face them at one time or the other, maybe more often than that.Here are my thoughts to your questions:1. MIL, in all probability, loves your kid as much or maybe more than you do. Having said that, it becomes essential to reach an understanding that while you respect her wishes, you need your own independent space with your kid because ultimately, that is what parenting is all about. No onelse can take that away from you and you have to work at it constantly. 2. Initially, I found it difficult to tell other kids to behave but later, I found that being direct is the best form of effective communication with kids. They understand immediately. Try it but don't lose your cool or be apologetic about it.3. I think you could tell R that it is important to think through the information he is being given and to question it rather than be convinced at first instance. I do that with Adi all the time and now its sort of in his DNA. He constantly questions before he can be convinced about information.4. I try to tell Adi that "Its not yours, we can get this for you but lets think about it first and see if we really need it." Usually, I end up getting that for him so that he doesn't grab it from the other kid. I'd give the other kid his space to do what he wants. Some kids share, others don't. I wouldn't go into that space because I dont have a right to, I guess.5. I can't help with the query on tantrums because I am still trying to figure it out myself.All the best with the rest!

  2. R's Mom says:

    @Swapna:Thanks thanks..but you knwo what thanks the best for the number 5. relieved to know that I am not the only one there 🙂

  3. Smita says:

    Hi… as for point no 5, when I give chocs and biscuits, we generally compromise on a number before I give it… and then stick to it afterwards… that way he understands that he is going to get what is decided and not more… if he throws a tantrum (which he does) I ignore him…

  4. R's Mom says:

    @smits: okie…guess I should try that as well… 🙂

  5. RS says:

    For tantrums, the stuff that works for me is 'distraction'. If there is a tantrum for something, I usually distract the kid from that situation introducing some thing else like colouring or cooking together. Some moments later the tantrum is forgotten. If that does not work, ignore..For others , specially 1, no answer, was in the same boat few years back.

  6. R's Mom says:

    @RS: thanks…the distraction method followed by the ignore method is going to be tried on R for the next tantrum

  7. Lavs says:

    Interesting questions…if only the answers were simple enough to share. Let me chip in my gyan!1.First, talk to your MIL about areas where she can chip in for parenting and areas which are no-cross barriers. My mom does the same thing. Once or twice I told her to not interfere coz kid uses that loophole to repeat his mischief.Third time, my mom too got scoldings from me. As your case involves MIL, you need to be firm yet not rude(i know its quite difficult to say but hard to follow). so best of luck here:)2.If your child is in no harm, then allow it to happen. Talk to your child later about it and watch for her reaction. It will help you decide the next course of action.3.shouting or taking R away from that spot is not going to help her in the long run. Simply, tell that kid to stop doing silly stuff. divert attention of R. Diversion tactics always helps.4.definitely, you should not ask that kid to share. question R about her feelings on seeing this kid eating. tell her that you have forgotten to bring her anything but as soon as the bus stops, you will buy her something good to make up. Our kids usually are very understanding and forgiving:)After buying her the desired stuff, reiterate the fact that you are always there for her and that she should always listen to you(two birds in one shot na?)5.tantrums are tough. Learn first to minimise them. do not allow a chance for that monster to appear. next tactic is diversion-remember logic and talking does not help in this case. Just do what ever it takes to divert the attention.if mission is not accomplished, then ignore. when a child is undergoing tantrum, scolding her and talking to her is not going to help at all. Just wait patiently and ignore(which is the toughest part for parents).I use the scare tactic sometimes. I tell my child about this bad angel/bad character from cartoons who is going to take away all his stuff if he continues to howl and cry. most of the time it works.good luck for everything. And pls feel free to give back the same advice to me when my mind goes bonkers after dealing with my mischievous child:)

  8. R's Mom says:

    @Lavs:Thanks..most of you told me to ignore her tantrums..which trust me is so so difficult for me..because she cries as if she has been pinched or something..but I will try harder… 🙂

  9. Cool questions, faced by almost all moms. Here is what I do with Ash:1. Had this experience when I was visiting my hubby's hometown. Since it was only for a week, I decided to not scold Ash that week. But if MIL comes to stay with us for a longer period, then I'll get my hubby involved and set boundaries for MIL too. Parenting definitely gets affected when grandparents are involved.2. There are some kids how hit and push Ash all the time. When it gets physical, then you need to hold the kid's hand and tell him/her, "I am not going to let you hit A, as it will hurt her." If its verbal, then Ash needs to resolve it on her own. What kind of misbehaving are you talking about?3. I would talk to Ash about it later in more detail. My immediate reaction would be to pass a more general statement – "NO, thats not a nice thing to do. Nobody should do these things. They are BAD!" . Usually, before sleep time, Ash and me do a lot of talking, and we discuss things, thats precisely when I would talk to her about it. Kids are very smart and they do listen to us when we tell them in a calm, loving way..4. What Lavs has said, exactly that!5.Depends on what the tantrum is about. Ash usually throws tantrums when she is feeling sleepy or hungry. If its something unreasonable, then I tell her that she is not going to have her way no matter what and then ignore her. After a while I also distract her with something she might find more interesting.I usually don't like to use distraction every now and then, because I feel that kids deserve an explanation. Slowly and steadily, they will learn to control their emotions and immediate desires if they know the right reasons. I have also noticed that when I talk to Ash with reasoning, like I would to an adult, she really behaves very matured.All the Best! 🙂

  10. R's Mom says:

    @Priyanka:Thanks for the suggestions..may be I should just compile what ever has said in another post itself…but yaa..two wonderful things you said..one is talking to kiddo just before they go off to sleep..i think thats something i really cherish..and I can always talk about this..and secondly treating them as mature folks..that helps too…

  11. Interesting discussion.Only thing concrete about tantrums one hears all the time is if something is not acceptable before the tantrum – it can't become okay after a tantrum. So distraction, if it works, (time consuming!) is the only option.

  12. R's Mom says:

    @IHM :True but then in most cases in the grandparents are around its the other way round..what is unacceptable before the tantrum is acceptable after it 🙂 what to do?

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